Almost Useless.... (68/90)

There's this person who always annoys me. He has become the representation of my inner hatred. I hate this person more than anyone else in this world. Maybe because I know him too well. Maybe because I've been there when he has committed the most horrible acts. To others, he may seem like an okay guy, but I know those deep dark secrets he keeps. I know that because of him, my dreams, my aspirations, my goals get shot down constantly. His very existence makes my life a living hell. And yet, I can never seem to get away. Why? Because this person is me.

I-I had a breakdown today. Not because I was mad at someone or because I had a stressful day at work. I just happened to get pissed off at the fact that I could not get myself to do the project I wanted to do today. I could have done it, but I didn't feel like I was ready. I literally sat on my bed for hours thinking my plan over. I even decided that as long as I put some effort into it, that it would come out okay. But no, I didn't. Instead I didn't do anything. Instead, I had to get depressed over nothing. I depressed over something that couldn't happen. It was then that I started recalling previous failed events in my life that further enhanced my frustration. My frustration grew to a point where I was literally screaming and throwing my bedsheets across the room. I started banging my head into my pillow before dispersing my flames by crying into my pillow. Then I fell asleep. Luckily, no one else was in the house to see me experience this.

I may as well tell you this: I hate not being productive. I really do. Whenever I am kept against my will to stay put and not learn or get nothing done, I start to lose it. I see no point in wasting your life doing something that isn't going to have any significance whatsoever. And yet, there are times when I myself am the opposing force. I despise myself for being the abomination who has hindered the goals I have set out to do. My reaction to this? Take out my anger out on myself. Now you know why I do such things such as light myself on fire, hit my head up against the wall until I bleed, starve myself, constantly envision myself being tortured by someone or something, .... the list goes on.

I know that I'm at a point in my life where I should already be over this. Throwing fits is for pathetic, young whining children who can't take care of themselves. Yet, I still inhibit some of those characteristics. I have no idea on how I'm supposed to live my life. I have no clue what I'm doing wrong and what I'm doing right. I only see myself and the fact that I seem to have too many faults.